Today we are lucky enough to have Sara from Walking With Angels with us Guest Blogging - she is an amazing person. Please take a moment to read her post, visit her site, and feel free to leave comments in response on our Facebook page.
People say I'm so
sorry, I can't imagine, oh my, and then they go quiet.
What words are there
to say when you are faced with the loss of a child. Nothing comes close to
describing the agony of your heart.
When the doctors
returned to that cold room and told me my daughter was gone, nothing could have
prepared me for the destruction of my soul. I'm sure in the silence you could
hear my heart shatter into pieces.
No more tomorrows.
How could it be that
this beautiful mischievous young lady could one moment be laughing at a family
bonfire to lying cold in an emergency room.
My legs couldn't hold
me anymore and right then and there I prayed for death. I didn't want to go on
without her. I couldn't bear to think of her being without me.
Heaven may be a wondrous place but a daughter needs her mother, a mother needs
her daughter.
This isn't in the
plan, no child should die first. This isn't the way, this isn't right, this
isn't fair.
How can I go from
planning her birthday to planning her funeral?
I guess some may say
I should have been prepared that this may happen. I mean after all she had a
devastating syndrome but nothing, NOTHING prepares you for the loss of a child.
You live in hope.
Walking away from
that hospital room was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Leaving
my beautiful Olivia there.
Leaving.
I'm never
going to be able to hold her again. Never again going to brush through
those crazy curls of that wild blonde hair. Never again to lie beside her
through the night sharing stories from the magical world of make believe.
Never, never again.
My beautiful Olivia
how you changed everyone who you met, how people left your company with a gift
from your heart. You taught me so much in your short nine years, you reminded
me of the power of laughter, sitting in intensive care watching you giggle at
the cute doctor. Watching you smile sweetly at your school teachers so they
would share their chocolate biscuits.
So many memories I
wrap around my heart like sticky tape holding the pieces together.
You wrapped everyone
around your finger and everyone was wrapped up in your heart.
It's been nearly four
years since you left us and still you guide me through life. I live with the
memory of your courage, of your grace and I strive to do better and to make a
difference. To honor you in every way I possibly can.
But nothing takes
away the pain, the emptiness that can only be filled by you.
The myth that time
eases your heart is a lie, you just learn to cover the pain better, you learn
to cope, you learnt to pretend.
I try not to think of
each day as a day without you, but as a day closer to when we are reunited.
I think of you so
often and try to imagine what it is like there in heaven. I am comforted from
the knowledge that you are free from pain but like I've said before I worry you
don't have your mom to hold you close.
Your sisters miss you
desperately and still each one grieves in their own personal way. We talk about
occasions that you won't be part of, your sisters weddings, the birth of your
nieces and nephews and so much more
But this isn't the
truth, we should know better, you are by our sides always watching us from
heaven as we journey through life.
In the rainbows the
colour the sky, in the gentle breeze, in our laughter, our tears and our
hearts.
There is nothing you
can to say to someone when they have lost a child, except maybe just the words
"one day".
One day there will be
no pain
One day no more tears
will fall
One day our hearts
will be whole
One day we will be
reunited because Jesus died on that cross for our eternity.
We have that promise
of forever.
One day.
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