Today we are lucky enough to have Rachel with us Guest Blogging. Please take a moment to read her post and to leave comments in response in the comments below or on our Facebook Page.
11.15.12
As soon as I saw the pink spots swirling in the toilet and drenching into my toilet paper I had tears welling in my eyes. In the pit of my stomach I thought I was losing you. I washed my hands and dashed to my desk and logged off while grabbing all my stuff. I ran to Linda’s desk where the tears started to fall. She hugged me told me ‘it was in God’s hands’. I calmed down. Tears fell like rain as I bolted to the Van. I texted your daddy and let him know where I was going. Without a call I went to the doctor’s office.
They get me in the river room. I stare at those pictures wondering am I OK? Are you OK? This isn’t good, way too early for this to happen. 11 weeks was almost to the ‘in the clear’ stage. I wait with my heart in my stomach. What possible explanation can they give me? They have me undress and I sit and wait frozen with fear and feet numb from the cold. They made a mistake. I hear the medical assistant and the doctor talking. I need a sonogram as soon as possible. I wait for her to come in and tell me to dress. I roll over Dr. Tan’s words ‘oh no that needs a sonogram right away’ the tone of her voice filled with concern and worry. I hear everything.
They take me to the back to get the sonogram done. I lay on the bed, and pulled my dress up. As I lay there I think ‘This is the last time I will ever see you’ the Tech turns the sound on. I listen to your heartbeat, you sound fine but inside I know this will be the last time I’ll ever hear that beautiful sound again. The tech sends me back to my room, the river room, where my hopes are soon to float right along with it.
I am told once again to undress. As I lay naked with only a paper covering me on the bed I doze for a few minutes, wondering what she’ll tell me. I hear the door and I immediately sit up. She comes in a smile on her face. She sounds more confident as she speaks ‘The sonogram looks good! I’m feeling better after getting the results. Baby’s heartbeat is perfectly normal for 11 weeks.’ (She had me almost believing everything would be OK That one day I would discover your sex, see your little face, and hold you in my arms. I started to think those sonogram pictures the tech gave me wouldn’t haunt me or invoke a down pour of tears. Maybe, just maybe this was going to be a difficult pregnancy, but a baby would still be at the end of 40 weeks)
‘Let's just take a look at your cervix’ I was in pain, I was having cramps for days off and on since I discovered I was pregnant. She did her check and the worry followed by forced smile appeared on her face. I could tell she was trying her hardest to find words that would not invoke fear or hysteria. My face had trails of tears, my eyes red and puffy. I clinged onto whatever strength I had left, as not to cry when she spoke. ‘Well I’m not as confident as I was before. Your cervix is softer than it should be. I want you to rest as best as you can. I want us to think positive and I don’t want to scare you but there is a possibility of a miscarriage’ the tears welled; some escaped and dripped down my cheeks. I placed my hand over you and said ‘I have 3 little ones. I’ll do my best to rest. I understand and I’ll think positive thoughts’. She left. I got dressed. I looked at the pictures again thinking maybe, maybe we will be OK
I left. I got in the van and called your Grandma. We talked for a while. I then drove back to work to wait for Dad. I promise you I did keep positive thoughts but knowing me I had to prepare for the worst. Prepare for the life without you in it. I never wanted to think this way.
When Dad got in the van I told him to tell Wela that there was a chance you might never make it to this world. Your Dad sounded sad when he told her and said Wela was even sadder. I stayed in the van that day as your dad got your brothers from school. I kept one hand on you all the way home. I prayed to God to keep you safe. I said to Dad ‘If we lose this baby you know I’m going to blame myself, we shouldn’t have had so much sex, I should have eaten more, and I should have rested more. The guilt will be greater then you’ll ever know’. ‘Why would you do that to yourself?’ he replied.
You made Mommy sick on the way home. My heart was breaking, my head hurt, my womb your home ached and my stomach was queasy. I had the chills and I couldn’t eat. Your brothers were told to leave mom alone, and for once they did all 3 of them. Your Dad tried his best to comfort me and take care of me. He even held my hair as I threw-up in the trashcan. He was worried, told me this time was different and I needed to accept that. How different I wondered. I’d rather have that tough difficult pregnancy just to hold on to my bundle of joy. We tried to make light of things and said ‘you’d better be a girl for all the grief you’re putting your Mommy through’. It was hard to sleep that night. Your Dad felt helpless and I was restless. We held hands as we touched you and prayed that everything would be OK We hardly got sleep that night.
11.16.12
When we woke up the next morning I knew your Dad had to get ready for work. As much as I wanted him to stay with us I knew he had to go. He helped me clean up around the apartment as I was supposed to have an Artistry party. He didn’t want me to do much so he did as much as he could before he left. He told me to take it easy and that he’d clean up when he got home later that evening.
I did light things around the house. I took your brothers to the store despite not feeling my best. After that we just took it easy. It all seems such a blur now. I know I should have done less. Thankfully no one showed up to my party. My abdomen was hurting and all I wanted to do was curl up in your daddy’s arms. He put on a movie and we sat on the couch cuddling and then we went to bed. Little did he know the spotting had gotten worse throughout the day. I didn’t want to scare Dad so I didn’t say anything. My positive thoughts dissipated and I was ready as I could be for the goodbye.
11.17.12
At 6am I woke up to Dad talking to Max. All of a sudden I had to urgently pee. As I was dashing towards the bathroom I felt my water break. Tears fell like rain. In that moment I knew I had lost you. ‘I lost the baby’ I managed to tell Dad as I sat on the toilet. Max seeing the spots of blood on the ground innocently asked if I had a bloody nose. I forced a smirk though my tears and said ‘I wish baby, oh how I wish’. I sat on the toilet as tears streamed down my face. Dad took Max out of the bathroom. ‘We have to take you to the hospital’. All I could think is I lost you; I lost my baby, our baby. I was in shock ‘why God? Why?'
Dad got your brothers dressed. I managed to get dressed knowing I’d probably have to throw out whatever I put on. We solemnly got into the van and drove towards the hospital. Daddy called Wela, his heart was breaking as he told her we had lost you. I cried harder and knew I had to call Grandma. I dialed the number and woke her to the terrible news. ‘Mommy I lost the baby’ I was fighting through the sobs and tears to finish my sentence. It was the hardest sentence I have ever had to say. On the other side of the phone I heard Grandma break down.
It seemed like we got all the red lights. As we inched our way to the hospital I started to cramp up. Your Daddy parked and I rushed to the entrance of the Emergency Room. As I was walking I felt a gush of blood fall out and my jeans were soaked in our blood. ‘This must be what it feels like to s#%! your pants’ I thought as I walked to the door. I felt weak as I made my way to the window to tell the receptionist I was having a miscarriage. I could hardly pick up the pen to fill out my information.
It was then your daddy arrived with your brothers. Lucky for us there was a kid corner for AJ and Max to play in and Felix followed them. Your Dad took the forms and filled them out for me. I didn’t want to bleed all over the chairs so I stood holding onto a chair. I felt weak and light headed. I tried to hold myself together as I felt more blood soaking in, waiting for my name to be called. After a few minutes they called me back.
They took me to the triage room. The nurse had me undress, it was terrible. I took off my pants which were covered in blood. Seeing the blood stains was tough. I hesitated to look at my panties as they were completely drenched; as I slid them down I saw giant blood clots. It was hard to keep it together as the sight of blood freaks me out. I closed my eyes as I pulled them down. I didn’t want my last memory of you to be lying in my panties. The nurse asked me as I finished undressing if that was my husband out there and if I wanted him with me. Of course I wanted him with me but he had to stay with the boys. I told her ‘yes but he’s got to take care of our 3 boys’. I put on the hospital gown and they wanted me to lie down on the bed.
I was frozen and I didn’t want to move but I felt so much better to lie down. She asked me if I wanted a blanket ‘no’ I said. A male nurse came in and placed a blanket on me anyways. I was glad he did, I needed it I was cold from the shock of loosing you my love. The female nurse began to ask me all the usual questions and every question was answered with a no. I tried to make a joke, as I always do in uncomfortable situations. ‘I am just a boring patient aren’t I?’ both nurses chuckled a little and said ‘no’ you are a perfect patient no is what we like to hear.
After she was done filling out her paper work she asked me if I wanted to keep my clothes. I told her to keep everything but my underwear. I watched her threw them away and I thought ‘oh no did I just throw you away? Did I just get rid of you like you an everyday item of trash? Does your daddy want to keep this mangled bloody mess to give it a proper burial?’ by the time I thought of asking her to place them in a separate bag I was moved to room 34 in the Emergency Department.
I wasn’t in any real pain but I felt like I should be. I felt like I should physically feel pain as a punishment for losing you. I wanted to be punished, I wanted to hurt. How could I deliver 3 healthy babies and not the 4th? I wanted the pain in my heart to be felt all over my body. All I wanted was my husband by my side. I texted him and told him what room I was in.
The nurse came to put in my IV. She hurt me bad and failed on both her attempts to get it in. I was finally feeling pain and for a few minutes my mind was off of you. I really don’t know who felt worse me or the nurse for her 2 failed attempts. She went to get another nurse who went to my left arm and gave me no warning as she stuck the needle in; at least she got it in the very first time.
The nurse came back after I was settled told me that they needed to do a sonogram. The doctor followed in shortly after wards trying to give me a piece of hope. He tried to tell me that some bleeding was OK during pregnancy and that the baby could be fine. I saw through him, I was mad he even gave me an option of hope. I knew you had left my womb the last thing I needed now was false hope to cling to. He also explained that I needed to have a catheter placed in so the tech would be able to fill my bladder to look at my uterus. I awaited the nurse to put my catheter in. After a while she came in and placed it in. Now all I could do was wait, wait to have the sonogram done, wait to see that my womb was empty.
I picked up my phone to see a few texts and I decided to place a status on facebook. I hadn’t told the world yet that we were pregnant, not on facebook anyways. I left a cryptic message on Thursday saying ‘Not out of the woods yet, but keeping positive thoughts’ which lead to me telling a few that I was pregnant. This time I put up something like ‘the worst part is not ever knowing why, why me, why now?’
I sat in pain and I texted Dad again asking him to text Angel and Robbie to see if they could watch your brothers. Luckily Angel was able to watch your brothers for us in the morning. I was holding up pretty well until I saw you Dad walk in. Seeing his face gave me the OK to break down. He’s the only one who was feeling my pain of losing you, our baby. He kissed me and hugged me and told me it would be OK I was so afraid that your daddy blamed me for losing you. But I should have known better. Daddy looked me in the eyes and told me he loved me. He stroked my head and told me we would be OK He said ‘Don’t feel guilty, don’t blame yourself.” He then wrapped his arms around me and held me as I cried into his shoulder. We talked for a while and as soon as I started to form a smile on my face we heard the lullaby come on.
Let me explain the lullaby. When I had Max and Felix at Scottsdale health Care when we left with our bundles of joy we got to press a button. This button played a lullaby that could be heard though out the hospital so that everyone would know a brand new baby was on his or her way home. Hearing this sound as I lay in a puddle of our blood looking at your daddy who knows that sound and its meaning was like pouring a pound of salt on an open wound. Violent tears jolted out of my body. Hearing that sound only conveyed that I would never have the joy of holding you in my arms. Your Daddy held me until I settled down.
Transport had arrived to take us, I mean me to get our sonogram done. I debated ‘do I even ask the tech if there is a baby in there?’ ‘Oh man her job has to really be awful when she has to do a sonogram of the caliber’ I wouldn’t want to tell a woman that her womb that was once occupied has now become vacant. My phone rang and it was Grandma. She wanted an update on what was going on. Daddy told her that I was being taken to get an ultra sound done and that we would call her back once we knew more. As we got pulled into the room the Tech offered me another warm blanket. I accepted in a hurry. Not only did these blankets keep me warm they helped comfort me.
It was now time for the tech to do her check. I stared ahead and occasionally looked at Daddy. I didn’t want to see the screen. Why would I want to search for you when I knew you were not there? It hurt to have her poke around. I let her do her assessment and her job and kept pretty silent. Then she said she needed to do one internally. She took the tool and gentle entered it into my vagina. Oh yeah that’s exactly what I needed. It just felt so uncomfortable. I tried to keep silent and pray that she was almost done. On top of it all I needed to pee. Having your bladder filled up was not only the weirdest feeling but it also made you want to pee like a race horse. Finally she was done and she emptied my bladder for me. ‘The doctor will go over your results for with you later’. ‘Of course he will I’m sure you don’t want to give me the terrible news that my uterus is empty’ I thought.
Transport came once again to whisk me back to my room. Only this time on our way we encountered a gathering of school aged children. They looked at me with such wonderment ‘I wonder why is she here’ they must have been thinking. I know I would have if I was in their shoes. Seeing children just made it worse. I had to fight of the tears knowing that I would only have 3 little ones in school not 4 and certainly not a daughter.
Your Dad and I waited in the room for the Doctor to come in. My mind was running wild with thoughts. I just needed that damn doctor to come in and be frank about it. Tell me I lost my baby...you...I just needed to know for sure that you were gone. No more false hope no more wishes I just wanted the honest bitter truth. When he did finally come in he told us that there was no baby, that my uterus was empty. My stomach dropped, I already knew you were gone but now it was official...He ordered that I take medication that would help me naturally flush out my system. He told the nurse she could take out my catheter. Daddy had to leave to take Angel and your brother back to the house. While he was gone the nurse came in and took out the catheter. That was not a fun feeling but I was glad to have it out. I rested with the light off and tried to relax as much as I could. I had no pen and paper so I turned to my phone and I wrote a poem. I had the phrase ‘How do you say goodbye to someone you’ve never met?’ and from that I took off.
I lay in bed awaiting your dad’s return. He had brought a bag with some snack, change of clothes and a few pairs of panties. When he got there I decided to give the bathroom a try. I was scared for multiple reasons to use the bathroom. I didn’t want to bleed all over everything and I didn’t want to send myself into hysterics seeing all the blood and clots. I put on a pair of panties and a pad. Then we slowly walked to the restroom.
Once inside, I was cautious as I slid my panties down and sat on the toilet. Dad sternly told me not to look; he knows just how afraid I am of blood. I couldn’t help it though. I wanted to see even though it pained me to look. I had dried blood trails from my groin down to my toes. Blood was just everywhere I looked. I was starting to feel light headed and I wanted to get out as fast as I could of that bathroom. Your Dad loves me. This was a moment I know he really loved me. He took the wash cloths and wet them and proceeded to clean off the blood trails and any signs of blood he found anywhere else. I put on clean underwear and a pad and we walked back to the room.
I just wanted to go home. I wanted to leave the hospital and rest in the arms of your dad as we grieved your loss. As we sat in the room making a few jokes here and there I was still bleeding a lot. My panties had filled to their capacity in blood and started leaking onto the pads on the bed and into my gown. I didn’t have to see it I could feel it and that was enough. Sitting in a pool of blood that wouldn’t be there if you were still in my womb was torture pure torture. I didn’t want to alarm Dad so I didn’t say anything about it to him. We sat and talked about you and talked about us and your brothers. We also joked around because your mom has to laugh in awful, awkward sad situations to lighten up the mood. I really don’t know what I would have done without your dad being there. He’s my rock, my anchor when I need to be grounded.
Daddy had to leave once again to get your brothers. Luckily Uncle Robbie was able to watch them for us. I had the feeling inside to call Grandma again. I dialed her up and she and I decided that she would come up to help us with your brothers and to help take care of me. We decided to work out the details later. My nurse changed for the 3rd time; only this time I had a male nurse whom I connected with almost instantly. His wife had a miscarriage a little over a year ago and now they were just a month away from having a baby that she got pregnant with 2 months later. He gave me hope. He made me realize that we did have a chance to have another child if we wanted to. The problem was I didn’t know if I ever wanted to be pregnant again.
He brought me my medication to help my body flush out my system and he offered me pain medication. I declined the pain meds. I wasn’t in that much pain and even though the doctor and the nurse both warned me that my medication would make me cramp up more intensely I declined. Of course they were right as your Dad was gone and the medication started to work I was feeling pain. The only thing was I wanted to feel pain. I wanted to be punished for loosing you. I wanted to physically hurt as much as my heart and soul were hurting. I deserved to feel pain.
The Nurse needed to take my blood pressure in 3 different positions laying down, sitting up and standing. All 3 were looking really good. The nurse said he thought I would be able to go home as long as my bleeding was doing better. He suggested that I get dressed because things were looking as if I was going to be able to go home. I was overwhelmed with relief. All I wanted was to go home. I just wanted to be home, away from the hospital.
My nurse left and I proceeded to get up and look into the bag your Daddy had brought for me. I found a pair of underwear. As I slid down the panties I was wearing a huge gush hit the floor. The sound was enough to make me sick to my stomach. The last thing I wanted was to look down but I knew I had to. My legs quivered in shock as I slowly looked down to the floor. I felt like I was going to faint. There I was staring at a bloody mess clots and all. I finished taking my panties off and worry rushed over me. I couldn’t go home. I was still bleeding way to much. I stood there a few seconds filled with freight. I had to call my nurse my male nurse to come help me. I was to weak and to overcome with fear to yell out. I peered to the right side of my bed where my bedside table was and my nurse button. I had to muster up the courage and strength to waddle over there to push the button. I was also embarrassed of the blood all over the floor. I saw some towels and I placed them on the floor. Over the bloody mess that was once safely in my womb. I made my way to the right side of the bed and pressed the button. I just stood grossed out by all the blood on my gown and all the dried blood trails down my legs. Tears welled in my eyes and eventually dripped down my face and chin where they fell to the floor. I asked myself why. Why is this happening to me, why did I have to loose you.
My nurse called me from behind the curtain. “how are we doing honey?” “I’m bleeding really bad and I got it all over the floor. I’m gonna need a new gown.” I covered up as best as I could and he came in and saw our mess. “Aww honey its OK don’t worry we will clean up the mess and yes you are going to need a new gown. I’ll be right back.” He came back and gave me a new gown.
I put on the new gown and called out to the Nurse “I'm ready” he came back in with some new sheets to put on the bed. I struggled trying to tie the strings on my gown together. I was too struck on seeing our bloody mess every where. I was horrified at the sight and even more so for the reason I was in the ER room to begin with. I just wanted you back, back in the safety of my womb. He put together the bed and laied down some extra padding for me to lay on top of. I crawled back in bed. I was starting to feel more pain in my abdomen as my body was still trying to flush whatever was left of you out.
I lay there quietly, listening to the soft dialogue on my TV as my mind kept wandering to the whys.... why me?....why now?.....why did I get pregnant at all? What did I do to deserve this? Why am I being punished? Why did my baby have to leave me so..... was she a she like we were so hoping she would be... our sweet little Penelope.....or would we'd be having our 4th little boy to add to our crazy mix another x to add to the mix... Xavier..... why is this happening to me? Why is this happening to us? I tried so hard to focus on the fact I had your brothers' 3 smiling faces to greet me when I would leave this hospital but the hole in my heart would never be filled by them no matter how hard they or I tried. A part of me will always be with you my love. I still couldn't fully wrap my head around it. I knew you were gone, I knew I lost you. It's then you Dad walked though the curtain, clearing my mind of these thoughts at least for now....
“they offered me some pain medication, should I take some?” I asked your Daddy. He looked at me with the utmost care and replied “are you in pain, if so yes, you should take something.” I felt conflicted inside yes I felt some pain but like I said before I gladly welcomed the pain, at the moment it was the only thing that made me feel alive and I felt like I should be suffering and should be punished for what had happened. I wanted to feel the physical hurt and pain that exuberated in my heart and soul. My pause was long enough for your Dad to know I was in pain. He said “you're gonna take something.” He walked from the left side of my bed to the right side and pressed my nurse button.
How funny it seemed that they were so willing and eager to give me pain medication before but now they were hardly anywhere to be found. It was OK though, I was OK, I could deal and manage the pain fine on my own. At least this pain reminded me that I was alive. Finally we got hold of a nurse. I told her “I'm ready for some pain meds now.” It wasn't my nurse but another one that was helping out. Since she obviously didn’t know I was being offered pain meds for the last few hours she replied to me “oh OK, let me just double check with your doctor.” I was slightly annoyed but I knew she was just doing her job. I was really just hoping for my ibuprofen or acetaminophen or something to help with the cramping. I in no way expected to see her ripping open a sealed syringe. Oh no, no no no I thought in my head. I don’t need serious medication just a little to help with my pain. I wasn't writing in pain just uncomfortable. I feared the worst as she approached and I knew it was morphine. “we are gonna give you a little dose of morphine” she said “the doctor prescribed a fourth of the regular amount for you. I wanted to tell her no but because she opened it, I reluctantly took it.
The second she pushed the morphine in my system my head got really woozy. I didn't like it at all, in fact now I was regretting getting anything at all to help with the pain. Why in the world would they give me MORPHINE? I never said I was in unbearable pain....quarter dose or not it was still too much. In fact after the morphine push I got an almost instant high and I just started talking. I was talking a ton. Your poor Daddy tried to get me to rest and to stay quiet but I just kept blabbering on. I was my normal dark humored self trying to crack jokes as to not let it sink in that you were gone. I didn't want to allow myself to think too much. My thinking never does me any good.
The doctor came in. He looked at me and asked “Do you know the name of your doctor? I need to contact her. I'm concerned about your bleeding. You are still bleeding a lot and we may need to do a procedure to finish up what your body couldn't.” Your Daddy stepped in for me and answered what ever questions he could. All I could say was “Dr Tan or Dr Rowan.” I wanted Dr Tan there since she was the one who had saw us on Thursday. She knew what was going on. She was the one who had for told what was going to happen. I still have her look of ultimate concern as she said 'I don’t want to scare you but there is a possibility of a miscarriage' as her voice tone tried so hard to sound optimistic. It was then I knew something bad would happen I just didn't want it to and I prayed for the best. But my prayers went unanswered and my darling you were gone just as quick as you came to life.
I honestly don’t remember much after we decided that my doctor needed to be called and that a D&C would be done, what ever that was. That morphine had me so high all I could do was talk and talk and talk. I couldn’t' and wouldn't shut up. I remember the ride my nurse took me on to the operating room. Your daddy followed behind. He is always so good to me, such perfect father material. He was always more excited then I was every time I was pregnant. This time especially because he just knew in his heart you were going to be the girl we had been waiting to have to complete our family.
I laid in that bed woozy from the morphine. Your daddy told me he got a call from grandma. Apparently your Auntie Bethie and Uncle Eric drove her up from Tucson to be here with me. I was grateful so grateful. Besides having your daddy with me I just wanted my mommy, your grandma.
I had to pee, I'd been holding it for quite a while and was nervous about going to the bathroom again especially after the first time. I just couldn't hold it anymore and I asked the nurse if I could go to the rest room. Your Daddy helped me sit up until I was ready to stand and waddle my way to the bathroom. Being the gentleman he is, he made sure to be right behind me to 'cover' me up and hold my gown together, as we all know hospital gowns are known for indecent exposure. I got to the toilet and did my thing. This time was not traumatic like the first time. There was still a lot of blood but it was nothing like what had happened twice just hours ago. I made my way to the sink and started to wash my hands. As I looked in the mirror I started to laugh. I looked horrendous. I was so high off morphine it looked like I had put on red eye liner. I looked at your Daddy and I said 'Babe it looks like I came straight out of a cheech and chong movie. This is the only time you will ever see me high.'
As we made our way back to the bed the nurse was changing the sheets. I thought I heard her make a comment when I got up to use the rest room 'oh hunny you are bleeding a lot' and from that I knew I'd be coming back to new sheets.
It wasn't long until I was told they were ready for me. I just wanted it all to be over. I just wanted to go home and grieve the loss of you. They took me back and put the oxygen mask on me and told me to count, the next thing I knew I was waking up right where I had started in the OR Triage room. Your Dad was no where in sight. He went and sat with your Grandma, Auntie and Uncle while Mommy had her procedure. After I woke up the nurse offered to go get your Daddy and Grandma for me.
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